Dear Sir or Madam
It has been drawn to my attention
that you are experiencing “suffering.”
As Senior Omnipresent Deity
of this universe
I am prepared to respond.
I have therefore,
after much consideration,
decided to terminate your life
and replace it with that of a leech
in the Siang province
of Kalimantan, Indonesia.
I realise, of course,
that this is not the response you requested.
But I am confident that in time
you will come to see
that this is the only practical way forward.
I much regret the inconvenience caused
to you and your family (if any)
and hope that your stay
in the fires of Eternal Damnation
will not prove too unpleasant.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Alfred S. Spatchfondle
Senior Omnipresent Deity