AQUARIUS: You keep making mistakes. Your life is a mess. And to make matters worse, Jupiter is in Sagittarius.
ARIES: Travel prospects are looking good today now that Mercury is in Virgo. But I wouldn’t go that far.
CANCER: A few minor house repairs are due after last week’s decorating.
CAPRICORN: Are you sure you haven’t got fleas?
GEMINI: Practice makes perfect, so if at first you don’t succeed try and try again to get out of bed.
LEO: There is no reason why you shouldn’t find romance today. After all, you are as attractive as you want to be. In a way.
LIBRA: Try a new recipe in the kitchen. It’s less messier there.
PISCES: There is every chance you will run into an old lover. Three or four times should do the trick.
SAGITTARIUS: With a large asteroid in line with Uranus, you may be suffering from constipation. But don’t worry: when it collides with the Earth on Wednesday, you’ll crap like Hell.
SCORPIO: Things right now couldn’t possibly get any worse. But later….well…
TAURUS: With Pluto in Pisces now is the best time to train your goldfish to take the dog for a walk.
VIRGO: A violent family quarrel over funeral arrangements is quickly resolved.