The Battle of Hastings

The Battle of Hastings occurred on 14 October 1066. It had originally been scheduled to take place in a field above the White Cliffs of Dover but this venue was changed for health and safety reasons.  The rival armies broke for lunch at noon and crèche facilities were available for the watching mothers. A bouncy castle kept the kids amused.

At 3pm, it started to rain and the English army ran for shelter. The Normans had brought umbrellas so William the Conqueror declared victory and gave each of his soldiers a commemorative Norman Conquest pen.

The English King Harold, who had placed a large bet at 10-1 that the Normans would win, was found dead with an arrow in his eye and a smile on his face.

One account of the battle tells of souvenir stalls, a grandstand, and English cheerleaders in red outfits, but as colour wasn’t invented until 1953 this story seems far-fetched.

Two Chumps at the White House

“Say, Ollie, where is Mexico?”
“Why, Stanley, every fool knows that!”
“You can’t call me Stanley anymore. It’s Mr President, now!”
“Well, pardon me, Mr President. Would you like your socks darned Mr President ?”
“No, thank you, Ollie. I just want to build a wall to keep out the Mexicans!”
“A wall to keep out the Mexicans? Well, Mr President, I never heard such a crazy idea in all my life! You should be ashamed of yourself. You’ll make the whole country into a laughing stock! ‘Keep out the Mexicans!’ – Hmmmm!”
“Oh… tweet tweet tweet tweet tweet tweet tweet… oh…”
“Stop your blabbering. What you need is something to occupy you…Say, why don’t you go on a state visit to Russia!”
“But I can’t even spell Rusher!”
“You don’t need to know how to spell places! You’re the President. George W. Bush is still convinced he invaded Iran. Go to Russia and then you could see your old friend Vladimir!”
“ But he pulls my finger-nails out if I don’t do what he says!”
“Well, it’s either that or you stay here and build the wall all by yourself!”
“Oh…tweet tweet tweet tweet tweet tweet tweet…oh…”
“Oh, shut up. Call yourself a President. Hmmmm!”

The Cover-up

[3173 words]

When King Toffee of Lollipopia heard about the motor car, he was worried. It had been spotted near several villages on the outskirts of his kingdom. Nobody actually called it a motor car. The Lollipopians, who relied on horses for transportation, had never seen such technology, so the term ‘horseless wagon’ was coined. These sightings were becoming rumours. The rumours were spreading and the King’s subjects were growing Continue reading “The Cover-up”

The Life of Iris Bowe

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I had been helping out at Rose’s Rest Home for three months before the Nat King Cole incident. A work placement scheme for the unemployed had dumped me there, and I was chafing at the bit to leave. At the age of 24 I now realised that care work was not my calling. Wiping the backsides of dementia patients had convinced me of that. I supposed I lacked the selflessness of a truly dedicated care worker. The worst part for me was Continue reading “The Life of Iris Bowe”