The Battle of Hastings

The Battle of Hastings occurred on 14 October 1066. It had originally been scheduled to take place in a field above the White Cliffs of Dover but this venue was changed for health and safety reasons.  The rival armies broke for lunch at noon and crèche facilities were available for the watching mothers. A bouncy castle kept the kids amused.

At 3pm, it started to rain and the English army ran for shelter. The Normans had brought umbrellas so William the Conqueror declared victory and gave each of his soldiers a commemorative Norman Conquest pen.

The English King Harold, who had placed a large bet at 10-1 that the Normans would win, was found dead with an arrow in his eye and a smile on his face.

One account of the battle tells of souvenir stalls, a grandstand, and English cheerleaders in red outfits, but as colour wasn’t invented until 1953 this story seems far-fetched.

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Brexit Explained

As Britain’s Brexit strategy becomes clearer, it comes as no surprise to analysts who are unanimous that recent disagreements were ‘quite shocking’ and ‘slightly unexpected’ and ‘boring’ although they hope to reach a conclusion, according to reports from the ‘Office of Current Affairs’, the energy body charged with increasing arousal for all Continue reading “Brexit Explained”

Diary: Wednesday 17 April 2019

It’s so hard to know what to buy people for Christmas, especially when you’ve forgotten them and it’s already Easter. Take my nephew, Josh. He’s training to be a neurologist, so I bought him a hand-drill and a magnifying glass. He said I needed my head examined. Of course, I politely refused. Making my excuses, I quickly left and hopped into a taxi.
“What’s wrong with your leg?” asked the driver. Continue reading “Diary: Wednesday 17 April 2019”

I Bought the Moon

I bought the Moon for 20K
from a guy in Ninny’s Bar.
He said he worked at NASA
and he smoked a big cigar.

He said: “A shrewd investor
is impossible to resist.
I knew you loved a bargain
by the sundial on your wrist.

“Here’s the deed of ownership.
The Moon is yours alone.
I’m off to Planet Vegas
in a rocket that I own…”